Why I hate HGTV

Those that know me should have figured out by now that I don't have an inferiority complex. I firmly believe that if you can't laugh at yourself, just know that someone else is laughing at you. I realize my limitations, and am at peace with that......

.....except when I watch HGTV.

I have never felt more inadequate than when my wife tunes into one of those home renovation shows on that dadgum channel. It's just not fair. It's GQ models with the man-skills of Bob Vila. Where in the heck do they FIND these people? Perfect teeth. Perfect biceps. No beer bellies. Dazzling smiles. Oh, and you need a custom built cabinet and a kitchen reno in 60 minutes? No problem! And who comes up with the names of these shows? "Antonio Treatment?" Sounds like some kind of snobby, high end beauty salon procedure for men with mid-life crises that require them to take on the Antonio Banderas look, not a get-your-power tools-and-whip-up-a-home-improvement-project show.

Let's get one thing straight - I know the difference between a T-square and a mitre saw. I've installed my share of ceiling fans. I can even put together Target shelving units. I have SKILLS. But these guys are ridiculous. I feel sorry for the poor jokers who have to watch helplessly as these HGTV hunks come into their homes with all their tools, tight shirts and effortless ability to transform their once-outdated home into a Parade of Homes model. If you'll notice, all the homeowners' wives have this glazed, dreamy-eyed look on their faces during the entire show. The husbands look constipated. They know.

My wife has tried to assuage my fears. She gives me the "you'll be OK" look and tells me that I'd run circles around them if there was ever a practical need to quote APRs or calculate a simple interest mortgage payment. Of course, as she's saying this, she's got one dreamy eye on Scott McGillivray and his perfect teeth as he remodels somebody's investment property....(sigh).



All I know is that he ain't coming to my house.

Things I Realized Today.....

.....and that made me happy:

1. I got to sleep in AND the three year old was having a sleep over at GG's AND the six year old slept in until 8:50. Teacher planning days ROCK!
2. Speaking of the six year old, she begins the first step toward my dream of making it big on Broadway....she got into Pine Forest. Drama starts Monday. Literally and figuratively.
3. Tebow Time is OVER. Now I can watch *real* QB's play football.....you know, like Joe Flacco and Alex Smith.
4. FSU has an opportunity to beat another top five team this weekend. This after losing to TWO (?!) Ivy League teams earlier this year, scoring a combined 24 points in the first halves of those games. In contrast, FSU has scored more than 80 points in consecutive games for the first time in five years with their recent wins against UNC and Maryland. I have a feeling Jimbo Fisher's calling some plays now that football season's over. If FSU can pull off the upset of Duke, that'd be two wins against top five teams in the past week or so. Maybe we'll be one of the schools "receiving votes" if they pull it off. That's the kind of respect we command.
5. The Jacksonville Zoo continues to be a fun place to take the kids. Animals. Carousels. Train rides. Birds that pee on your dad's leg. Feeding giraffes. All that fun at a very reasonable price if you become a member. I highly recommend it.
6. I still have two days of weekend to enjoy. Teacher planning days ROCK!

So, on that note, dear readers (OK, who am I kidding? My wife is probably the only one....should change that to dear reader...singular), I am D-O-N-E. And, what the hey, I'll call the upset: FSU 67 Duke 66.

It's 11:11, and I'm......

...trying to blog from my iPhone, which is telling me my browser is no longer supported by Blogger. You'd think for my first blog I would have been more prepared. You know, like, used a a computer. Designed the page. Had a theme. Really tried to WOW my audience. Truth be told, though, I'm having too much fun watching Megadeth on Palladia. Heavy metal is so much more badass on a 50" TV in high def. If only I could crank up the volume and turn the family room into a mosh pit. Dunno...I don't think my wife shares my appreciation of head banging music, not to mention the Louis Gossett, Jr. commercials touting the benefits of short term, $1000 loans. That said, once Metallica hits the stage, I make no promises....speaking of Metallica, my youngest has no idea how close her name came to being Lars. Luckily for her, better sense prevailed. There you have it. My first blog. A bit off center, but those that know me aren't surprised. Just Being Frank.....