Why I hate HGTV

Those that know me should have figured out by now that I don't have an inferiority complex. I firmly believe that if you can't laugh at yourself, just know that someone else is laughing at you. I realize my limitations, and am at peace with that......

.....except when I watch HGTV.

I have never felt more inadequate than when my wife tunes into one of those home renovation shows on that dadgum channel. It's just not fair. It's GQ models with the man-skills of Bob Vila. Where in the heck do they FIND these people? Perfect teeth. Perfect biceps. No beer bellies. Dazzling smiles. Oh, and you need a custom built cabinet and a kitchen reno in 60 minutes? No problem! And who comes up with the names of these shows? "Antonio Treatment?" Sounds like some kind of snobby, high end beauty salon procedure for men with mid-life crises that require them to take on the Antonio Banderas look, not a get-your-power tools-and-whip-up-a-home-improvement-project show.

Let's get one thing straight - I know the difference between a T-square and a mitre saw. I've installed my share of ceiling fans. I can even put together Target shelving units. I have SKILLS. But these guys are ridiculous. I feel sorry for the poor jokers who have to watch helplessly as these HGTV hunks come into their homes with all their tools, tight shirts and effortless ability to transform their once-outdated home into a Parade of Homes model. If you'll notice, all the homeowners' wives have this glazed, dreamy-eyed look on their faces during the entire show. The husbands look constipated. They know.

My wife has tried to assuage my fears. She gives me the "you'll be OK" look and tells me that I'd run circles around them if there was ever a practical need to quote APRs or calculate a simple interest mortgage payment. Of course, as she's saying this, she's got one dreamy eye on Scott McGillivray and his perfect teeth as he remodels somebody's investment property....(sigh).



All I know is that he ain't coming to my house.